The Layers of Grief: Mourning and Honoring the Loss of Father Figures in the LGBTQIA+ Community

The Layers of Grief: Mourning and Honoring the Loss of Father Figures in the LGBTQIA+ Community. 

There are losses one prepares for, and then there are the losses that we carry unknowingly without realizing that the grief had been present there all along. These losses take the shape of absence and estrangement: a hug that was never offered, a voice that never softened, and a gaze that never truly saw. 

What comes up during meditation or somatic exercise?

A safe circle is created for the LGBTQIA community, a space to sit with the complex emotions that arise when the word 'father' holds both pain and yearning. Mourning doesn't always begin with talking or storytelling, it begins with the body. First comes compassion meditation followed by somatic body movements that allow the breath to steady, attention to soften and the heart to open. There is a focus on where grief goes and where it embeds itself within us and later manifests as complex emotions. 

Several physical sensations arise when stillness is allowed: tightness in the throat, knots in the stomach, crushing weight behind the ribs. These sensations give form to grief transforming it into numbness, anger, hopelessness, and confusion. 

What father figures have been lost along the way?

In these moments of stillness, mourning the loss of father figures is acknowledged. Biological fathers, emotionally distant fathers, estranged fathers all are acknowledged. Some are yearned for. Some are a figment of the past. And for some there is relief for letting them stay in the past. 

What do you choose to mourn? What do you choose to honor?

Alongside the mourning the grief, there is an option to honor the grief. To acknowledge not only that could have been or what should have happened but also what did happen: their unsteady presence, the rare but genuine smile, the hesitation. Mourning the loss of father figures often comes in layers. It's definitely not something one can just shrug off. It's years of feeling, suppressing, and learning to live with it. For the LGBTQIA community, these wounds often stay open: fresh, and forever scarred. 

About the facilitators 

Tiff Pham (she/they) is a second-generation Vietnamese American, queer, empath relationship coach, and energy medicine practitioner. She is a certified coach (CPCC, ACC) and holds her Master Certification in Intuition Medicine. She works with QTBIPOC communities to build boundaries, clarity, and confidence. You can find out more about Tiff at pathxpresent.com.

Tony Pham (Butterfly) (he/they) is a heritage Buddhist and healer who teaches compassion and meditation at Tibet House US. They offer trauma-informed mindfulness and spiritual care. Tony is certified in Compassion Cultivation Training (co-created by Thupten Jinpa at Stanford).